animalstalkinginallcaps:

I REPLACED ALAN’S GATORADE WITH ANTIFREEZE!

LET’S SEE IF HE NOTICES!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

THANK HEAVENS YOU’RE BACK. WE’RE SO BORED WE’RE ACTUALLY DYING FROM IT. 

I’M ACTUALLY FINE. I TOOK A GLORIOUS NAP.

COMCAST IS DOWN AGAIN. SURPRISE, SURPRISE. WE WERE GOING TO BURN THROUGH SOME DOWNTON ABBEY BUT INSTEAD WE LISTENED TO HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARIES ON AN OLD-TIMEY AM/FM TRANSISTOR RADIO WE FOUND IN THE GUEST HOUSE.

I DIDN’T ACTUALLY LISTEN BECAUSE I WAS NAPPING.

WE TRIED TO DISCUSS THE CANDIDATES’ VIEWS ON IMMIGRATION WITH THE MAID, THE ENTIRE KITCHEN STAFF, THE GARDENER, AND THE ORGANIC PRODUCE DELIVERY GUY BUT NONE OF THEM SPEAK ENGLISH.

I SPEAK FLUENT CATALAN BUT THIS MEXICAN SPANISH, IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT, IS JUST GARBLED NOISE TO ME. PLUS I WASN’T AWAKE.

NOT TO ALARM YOU, BUT IF ANY OF THOSE MEN GET ELECTED WE’RE GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH IN A VERY DIRTY HOUSE.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

FASCISTS, MAN. PASSING ALL THEIR LITTLE LAWS. LAYING DOWN THEIR LITTLE RULES. RESTRICTING MY FREEDOMS.

“YOU CAN’T SMOKE POT IN FRONT OF A DAY CARE CENTER.”

“YOU CAN’T ROLL A JOINT AT 7-11.”

“YOU NEED TO GET A JOB IF YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE. AND STOP SMOKING WEED IN THE SHED. YOU’RE 28.”

“DON’T LIGHT THAT RIGHT NEXT TO THE PROPANE TANKS. YOU’LL KILL US ALL.”

I BET YOU DIDN’T TAKE THE POOL INTO ACCOUNT WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING YOUR LITTLE OPPRESSIONS.

IT’S CALLED MARITIME LAW, MY FRIENDS. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO HERE.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HEY THERE NIGHT OWLS, YOU’RE LISTENING TO THE GROOVIN’ SOUNDS OF SEVENTIES SOUL HERE ON WCKS, THE WHALE, GRAND VALLEY STATE UNIVERSITY’S SEXIEST RADIO STATION. I’M YOUR HOST, AN IGUANA, AND WE’RE ABOUT TO HIT YOU WITH A DOUBLE DOSE OF TEDDY PENDERGRASS RIGHT AFTER A SHORT WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS. ALSO, REMEMBER TO STAY TUNED AFTER THE SHOW FOR LANCE PLUNKETT’S ‘IMPROVISATIONAL UKELELE EXPERIENCE’ WHICH KICKS OFF EVERY SUNDAY AT MIDNIGHT AND RUNS, MIRACULOUSLY, UNTIL 4AM. BUT FIRST, HERE’S ROSE ROYCE WITH ‘LOVE DON’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE’.

(Source: animalstalkinginallcaps)

animalstalkinginallcaps:

WOULD YOU GUYS STOP ARGUING ABOUT POLITICS AND FEED US! OR AT LEAST OPEN THE BACK DOOR! WE HAVEN’T BEEN OUTSIDE ALL DAY! REGARDLESS OF WHO WINS THE ELECTION WE’RE STILL GOING TO BE STARVING AND MISERABLE BECAUSE OUR OWNERS CARE MORE ABOUT BICKERING WITH EACH OTHER THAN THEY DO ABOUT TAKING ACTION TO ENSURE THE SURVIVAL OF THOSE WHO DEPEND ON THEM!

IN THAT WAY, WE CLOSELY RESEMBLE THE WORKING CLASS.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

NO, I’M JUST GOING TO GO HOME AND FILL MY SOCIAL MEDIA OUTLETS WITH DEPRESSING NON-SEQUITIRS AND DISJOINTED QUERIES THAT ARE OBVIOUSLY INTENDED FOR SOMEONE SPECIFIC INSTEAD OF CALLING THAT INDIVIDUAL OR SENDING THEM AN EMAIL, FORCING MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO ASK ME WHAT’S WRONG WHILE I JUST GO “NOTHING, I’M FINE” AND CONTINUE TO POST AN ENDLESS STREAM OF SKYLINE PHOTOGRAPHY AND NATURE PANORAMAS WITH SEVENTH GRADE POETRY TEXT ON TOP. OH, AND RAINDROPS ON WINDOWPANES. CAN’T FORGET THAT.

YEAH, BUT I ALREADY KNOW YOU AND KEITH BROKE UP. WE COULD JUST TALK ABOUT IT.

NO. I HAVE TO GET TO TUMBLR.

(Source: textfromdog)

(Source: textfromdog)

(Source: textfromdog)